Who Am I?

Okay, so now that I got your attention with such a fundamentally existentialist philosophical question it is time for me to segue into the Dickian (as in Phillip K., not the sexual organ) territory. Actually, now that I think about it, it's probably more Orwellian territory (as in Big Brother is watching and all that) that best encapsulates a recent personal "tragedy" of sorts that befell me.

My identity was stolen.

I don't mean to imply any fantastical sci-fi notions. I wasn't cloned by the Raelians. An android was not created to terminate me and take my place or to ensure that I didn't eventually lead the revolution to stop the machines. My body was not mind-jacked by Psi-enhanced beings from this world or another.

No, I would've been alright with one of those alternatives. What actually happened is that some perp (or perps) decided it would be pretty radical to go nuts with my personal information, most notably my bank and credit card accounts:

Perp #1: "Want a Rolex?"
Perp #2: "Sure, why not--it's on Mr.A!
Perp #1: "Well, you know what they say...
Perp #2: "What's that?"
Perp #1: "The best things in life are free!"
Perp #2: "They sure are, Perp #1, they suuure are! Let's go get our teeth gold-plated!"
Perp #1 & # 2: (laughter)

Sure it's easy for me now to say that I would prefer to have been mugged instead. At least then I could put a tangible body and a face to the crime. Granted, I would probably be haunted by such a harrowing experience. So, all things considered, I guess it's not really worth it.

In contrast to such an in-your-face encounter, these recent episodes of fraudulent online activity have left me feeling dazed and confused. Aside from feeling cognitively scrambled, this experience has left me feeling invaded, helpless, paranoid, and virtually raped by some anonymous assailant. What a mindfuck!

But I had to sit back and think about the moniker that is used for this relatively new crime: "Identity Theft". That seems to imply that the core of what makes somebody who they are is their spending habits, their credit scores, assets, debts, purchases, accounts..etc...

God Bless America and our Capitalistic ways.

[Like how I capitalized "Capitalistic" there? I simply had to "capitalize" on the opportunity for irony]

Anyway, what it all boils down to is this: I'm more than the sum of my (financial) parts. I'm ME, dammit! I'm a unique individual. Well, sometimes I'm pretty derivative and predictable, but that's besides the point--give me Identity or give me death!

In all seriousness--my mom probably has Alzheimers. Now THAT's fucking identity theft. Chew on dem apples for awhile.